His strength is made perfect in weakness.

It has swiftly, though not unexpectedly, come up that the family is going into St. John's. I'm not sure how long we'll be there, or how much internet access I'll have. For those who I've not been able to tell "personally" over the internet, I'll miss you, and have a great Christmas.

Oh, and I fail at mailing, and spent too much time looking at gifts instead of sending them, so your presents will be VERY late. I'm sorry.

*waves and disappears*

Life in a small town; constant recognition, minimal inclusion.

Sometimes living here just dances along the edge of intolerable. There are so many people who know who I am and my circumstances, and yet so few who I actually can relax around. I know I'm the weird one, who likes strange things and doesn't even have the redeeming feature of liking normal ones, and I know it all the time. I mean, I just wrote 50,000 words in 15 days, and I haven't told anyone other than my sister. In other places I would get a reaction, I know. I've seen it. Maybe it would be hatred or resentment, but here I'm just weird. And I'm stuck in the bounds of the hills I can see from my window.

Is it always this hard to stay in a place? Am I only satisfied when I'm anonymous to everyone I don't choose to let in? Or would that even help? Does it ever get better? In a year, maybe, will I be okay to be the one who inspires an understanding smile on being seen? Or does being an adult mean never quite fitting in?

Around here there are the church groups, where not only do I not know the responses and jokes, I have to cram the panic back down my throat to keep from curling into a ball and rocking. And then there are the parties, where the participants get drunk and go home with other people than they arrived with. I don't want either. Given that they both involve removal of most of my psyche, neither option is enticing to me. I like sarcasm and quick remarks and irony and references to obscure bits of everything; which doesn't work when you're drunk. I like philosophical discussion and political debate and all those things that girls aren't really supposed to in good christian circles. So I settle for NOT going out and being out of place, I stay home and try to hide.

Would it have been easier if I hadn't lived in other places, I wonder? Or if I had sucked up and stayed in the mind-rotting church circles? If I had had anything closer to a normal life, if I had tried to be social and ignored the scrape of eyes on my back, would I be able to have people look at me without wanting to cringe?

WHY DON"T OTHER PEOPLE FIND THIS SO HARD?

Does it ever get better?

"Do you guys know about chocolate? You don't? Oh man, this is gonna be huge!"

Today in the bank a little old lady asked me if my father was home from the war yet. It's a little hard to respond to questions like that. Especially since the look in her eyes hinted strongly that she would rant against Herr Hitler and his band of wicked men on only slight prompting. So I just smiled and said he wasn't in the military any more. And she smiled and nodded without comprehension and hobbled away. 

Since the Old Age Pensions came out yesterday we've been very busy at the bank. I got to buy some American Cash, and open a safe deposit box, and cash many many cheques. Yesterday I cleared over one hundred thousand dollars worth ($100,000.00) of cheques. But no, there's no money in this economy at all. 

And today I had a monumentous realization! I figured out why I've been so tired lately! I haven't been eating. Somehow you'd think I'd have figured out by now how to avoid that, but not I! It only takes two days of eating badly for my appetite to go away, and then the brakes are off until I start seeing physical symptoms. And put two and two together to get four. *sighs* It's since I'm working over lunch hour all the time, I've just been skipping that meal. Then it was really hard to get up in the morning, I was so tired, so I wasn't really eating breakfast. Finally, realization dawns today. :D I wasn't loosing weight this time or anything, so it's all good. And I AM getting up for breakfast tomorrow. And I'm bringing a lunch to work. *is firm* That's what I'm doing. 

The Brownie Halloween party was on Tuesday, so we got dressed up for that. Fraulein went as a marvelous Mime, and I, in a brilliant show of bluffing, dressed myself up in a blue satin thing that someone had given the family and called myself the Queen of the Night. Really, if you act as though you know what you're doing, most people won't question you. :D

"There'll be better days, willow."

I was scheduled to do a ten minute presentation this morning at 9:00am. I was a bit nervous about speaking, given my tendency to start panicking and stammering. As it turns out, I need not have worried about speaking. 

I should have worried about waking up with my alarm clock. When I was happily curled into a small ball in my warm bed and waiting for my alarm to go off, Fraulein came into my room and asked when I was working. I muttered something about nine. Whereupon she just gasped in horror. Suddenly, I was very awake. That was 9:53, when I exploded out of bed and glanced at the clock as I started quick-changing. I was at the bank at 10:02, feeling sick to my stomach. And the scariest thing? No one mentioned it. *cringes* I don't like being incompetent! *cries*

But I did balance perfectly, first go round, and then I made a cake at home.

I also bowed to the inevitable and made a folder for nerdy bookmarks. Because the python site really can not honestly be stored under "travel."

"Cause I'd probably let you in if we had a hostage situation cause I like company."

I've done two shifts at the bank so far. 

Impressions? I think I'm going to like it. 

The vault is awesome. 

"It's like in the movies, except there's no one drilling up through the floor..."

Really, it reminds me of a cross between a submarine and a storage closet. The door is about 9 inches thick, and incredibly heavy. Also, all the safes have double locks, of which any one person can only know the combination for one, and more locks inside. And they're on time combinations, which is mildly marvelous. 

There is also a whirring machine that counts bills, and a cart to push coins around since they're too heavy to carry. And I can see the inside of the ABMs and the Night Deposit, uh, thing. I don't think I'm high ranked enough to actually count the deposits, but that may come in time! *is hopeful*

The actual job looks quite interesting. *grins* Foreign Exchange... Of course, it will take a while until I'm actually out front. I have a lot of training to do. And the training is not hurried along by the whole IT vs. HR issue. First HR hadn't given me a employee number, so I couldn't be logged on to any computer. That was yesterday. Then today I received an employee number, logged on, and came up against IT. It seems that HR hadn't talked to IT, so IT didn't know I was allowed on the system. "Try again tomorrow..." FUN. But despite the fact that I've not been able to do any actual training so far, I have learned a couple of things. For one, due to a "possible or perceived" conflict of interest, I'm not allowed to serve anyone I'm related to, in a relationship with, or was formerly employed by. Also, I'm supposed to make the experience of banking at our branch "delightful" for customers. Not just pleasant, delightful. No use aiming low, eh?

Oh, and the break room looks like a church basement. The same out-of-date-but-still-hearty furniture. The same immortal fridge. The same cupboards full of mismatched cups. Even the same pale yellow paint and sunflower border. So there's a strange sense of deja vu involved in taking break time. 

The co-workers seem to be nice. I forgot to bring lunch the first day (too much time on Fast Food), and most of the staff pitched in to give me something. :D Since they are all on the thinner side of toothpick, I ended up having a larger dinner than most of the staff. :D There is one lady, the other recent hire, who doesn't like me because I got the part-time job and she was hired for call-in. This is probably exacerbated by the fact that most people seem to think I'm 17. But maybe if I ignore the office politics, they'll go away! Right? :D The one guy in the office has also yet to look me in the eye. He just slides on by whenever I"m present, talking loudly to everyone else within eyesight. Which is slightly disconcerting, but I'm used to being invisible if necessary. *grins*

It's a little overwhelming, but I think I'll like it. 

What's done is done. All you have to worry about is the damage control.

We're back! *cue triumphant music* Moreover, we're back with all luggage in tow, all family members, and not even a major airline delay to show for the four Air Canada flights we braved. We must be special.

And now, an explanation for the post that "follow" this one. I was without computer access for most of the trip, which deficiency I assuaged by blogging on paper. Also known as keeping a journal. *grins* I shall now proceed to put the posts in digital form for your reading displeasure. (And yes, I am currently talking like this in real life as well. I can't seem to stop it. Sorry.)

Also, for future reference, my brother formerly know as Trapeziod has been renamed the Walrus.

Wherein the author of this post talks to herself, and several voices answer back.

Today was a one of those days which just feels vaguely successful. I made bread, and yogurt, as well as going grocery shopping. Very exciting, I know. Two of the small ones were on bikes, and I latched the smallest of my charges into the ATTS (All Terrain Transport Stroller), and we set off down the tracks. Thankfully, due to my hard won foresight in bringing the ATTS, I didn't have to carry any small children in addition to the groceries, though I did find it somewhat amusing when the one child who was riding started complaining of being tired halfway there. This is while I'm muscling the ATTS through gravel and over mud ruts. Yes, dear, I'm sure you're tired. Now hush while I cough up a lung. :D No, it was fun, and I think I'm building much-needed arm muscles. 

Then, in the evening, K and C brought by a Pizza meal, and then kindly stayed after to talk. Seeing as there is an age gap of about 15 years, the conversation topics don't abound, but we had a nice evening. 

I've been quite physically tired these past two weeks, what with work at a fast food establishment, and trying to mind the home. Last week, this sent me into a bit of a depression, though I'm good now. This depression, when it was gnawing at the back of my chest, prompted me to say to myself,

"Self?"

My self said, "Yes?"

Me said, "I'm not feeling very chipper, self." 

Self said, "I noticed." 

Me said, "I don't really know why?"

Self sighed, and said, "It's because you're tired, Me." 

Me said, "But why? Why should physical tiredness make me feel unimportant, and invisible, and all that nonsense?" 

Self sighed again, rolling her eyes, and said, "Gee, I don't know. Why don't we ask I. What do you think, I?" 

I pushed her glasses up her nose and said, "I've been thinking about this. I think it's because when you were depressed for real, you weren't eating properly, and you were tired all the time. So your mind interprets tiredness as a sign that you're depressed, and so on." 

Me and Self nodded, then Me said, "But that's bad." 

Self rolled her eyes, hands on her hips. "Yes, Me, notice anything else earth-shattering lately." 

Me kept talking. "But, how am I gonna manage running a house when I have children? Not to mention this summer's revolting work schedule." 

I leaned forward eagerly. "But don't you see? That's the point!" 

Self stared levelly at I. "The point? Try again, I almost understood you there."

 I ignored Self. "The point of what you're doing this summer! Treat it as a challenge. See if you can make it through a gruelling schedule, and train your body again to not see tiredness as an emotional trigger!" 

Me and Self agreed that this sounded like a challenging challenge, and a fine summer activity.

So there you have my summer objective. Make it through, and train myself to not be depressed when tired. Speaking of which, I really should head for bed now. Fare thee well!

"I'm a professional musician!" "Have you ever had to pawn your amp?" "Well, no but-" "No you aren't."

I had an interview with McDonalds this morning, which was- not as bad as I feared. I hesitate to ever call a job interview "good," but this one went smoothly, and I wasn't scared until I cam out again. There were a few tense moments; when they asked me why I left Tim Horton's, and who I could give as references at Tim's. I didn't exactly leave there in a happy frame of mind, let's just say. It was my first experience in a defined hierarchy-type job, when I wasn't on my own initiative, and I had a bunch of co-workers who liked to "teach" the sheltered home-schooler about "the facts of life." So, it wasn't my favourite job ever. 

But it seems that my references were good, because I got a call this afternoon, saying I could have the job if I wanted it. And thankfully, they still have the blue uniforms, not the brown monstrosities that have just debuted in the UK. *shudders*

NOT me.

This is rather ironic, really, given the reminisces Third World and I engaged in at College. After talks about the worst shift ever, and picky customers, and faulty equipment, and coworkers who can only be described as disturbing, I said, "We're going to end up working Fast Food again this summer, I know it." And as it turns out, Third World has a bunch of leads on other work, (she's in a city, so the options are slightly broader), but I'm looking clear to be manning drive-thru again. :D I love irony. It makes life so much richer. 

I think this job could be fun. In a rather geekish way, I like the cash registers, and equipment, and being able to ring in a ridiculously detailed order as fast as someone could speak it. There is a nice bit of triumph to repeating back an order and totalling it correctly, while not at your cash. And McDonalds does more things than Tim's, so the learning curve should take a bit longer. Also the people there seem to be nice. ALSO; I'm getting $8.50 an hour, 32 hrs a week, which works to $272 a week, before taxes. not bad, not bad at all. At that rate, I might actually get the debt paid off before I turn thirty! :D

*sigh*

Having my smaller siblings wash dishes is pure torture. For everyone involved. *beats head against wall* General tears and hysteria. And screaming. But nothing has broken, yet. 

*puts head on desk and cries*

 And oh look, Sam just took a fire poker to my bread dough. 

30 kilometres later, I have an interview!

I have walked 30 kilometres in the last 24 hours. That is 18.641136 miles. My legs have sent me notice that they are not moving, they don't plan to move, and any attempt to force them to move will be met with armed hostility. 

Why did I walk so far? Well, first of all, I found out on Monday that I owe my College $11,000.00. I had thought that was paid by a benefactor, but I was in error, apparently. A job abruptly looked like a REALLY good idea. I cobbled together my resume, and yesterday I headed out! All the way to the other end of town, (5km,) and back, (also 5km). I put resumes in everywhere that I could even remotely envision myself working. This included two hardware stores, and, seized with the sprit of much courage, McDonalds. Ah, funny-ish story about the second hardware store. The man who took resumes was on the phone when I walked in, so I was waiting by the office, when in walked a MASSIVE youth with a sheet of paper grasped in his ham-like fist. I am not short, but this guy was at least a foot taller than me. He was wearing a snowmobile jacket with padded shoulders, and a truckers cap. I felt about three feet tall, and as fragile as a toothpick. He just stalked in, dropped the paper on the desk of the manager, (Ha, genitive of possession there), and stalked out again. I was acutely aware, let us say, that I was wearing a white pants and my "stylish" coat in a hardware store. 

So, I made my way to the end of town, received two invitations to "come back tomorrow morning so you can give your resume to the Manager," and walked back. THEN, in the evening, I went out with my friend Ms. B, and as her car is in the shop we walked and chatted. We went, (you guessed it!) all the way to the end of town and back. By the end of that walk, I could no longer walk in a straight line. :D But it was nice to talk to Ms. B, and hear all the drama from St. John's and around home. 

Then today, I walked it again, to hand in those resumes to the managers. I now have 14 resumes and applications out at various locals in town. WHEW! Thankfully, most of them were positive about my resume, and the person in charge of hiring at McDonalds stopped me on the street this afternoon to book an interview on Monday morning. I'll have to see how it all pans out. 

And thankfully, while doing all that walking, the rest of my PENredux story arrived in my head, which is very jolly. I need ot go write now, and then make some supper. *nods*

"I could say something about how modern art is representative of the post modern viewpoint in which there is no truth and therefore anything is art...

I keep realizing more pieces of how Augustine has affected the way I think. My sister Slonner mentioned that she wants to go to art school when she grows up, and I ALMOST started a rant about postmodernism and performance art and the absence of truth in modern society and how that has changed the purpose of art, but I didn't. I know, for those who were there, you are probably saying, "yes, yes you did rant," but trust me, I didn't. I also wanted to start a discussion about the influences of subjective truth on personhood and science fiction, but again I didn't. *wide grin* I hope I keep this way of looking at the world, cause even if I don't have anyone to talk to about it, it is very interesting.

Speaking of intersting things, it is quite intersting to move back to a place. I wasn't really old enough to notice things before we moved to San Diego, but I am now. The land just feels right in a way which Ottawa didn't, even after 8 months. I suppose that's becuase of all the memories here, so things are familiar. It is also very interesting to have people recoginize me, after living in the city. I came in on the bus on Wednseday, and then took a taxi to the other end of town. The taxi driver recognized me from when I worked at Tim Horton's two years before, and knew where I wanted to go before I told him. Small towns!

I am also loving the sound of the sea and the smell of salt and wood smoke on the wind.

But I am missing the Augustinians. *sigh* Moving is problematic.

There is a whole list of people and activities queing up for me to notice their absence. Currently missing things like puns are being shouted down by things like the lack of Third World, but I know they are just lying in wait to attack me. Bah.

On the other hand, I went on an expedenture with the small ones to buy band-aids, and they wanted an explanation for everything.
"How does the water in the ditch get there?" (spring run off)
"How far could we go if we followed the trail?" (Vancouver)
"Can we buy that, or that, or That?" (No, becase you forgot your money)
"Why does that lady look like she's in pain?" (that one was a little delicate to explain, as she was mentally handicaped. *cringes internally* But I think they were good with my explanation, that her brain hadn't grown when her body had.)
That's fun, being the big sister again. It's good to be home.

If I don't eat, how soon can I have the money to travel across the country?

So today was the graduation, which I will talk about later. Now, however, Third World just left, and I am not in a good mood.

I am not crying, which is stupid of me, I just feel numb.

I said goodbye to a bunch of people today, and just cause I'm heartless, I don't feel that bad about leaving then. I mean, I'm gonna miss them, but I've moved too many times to feel sad about leaving acquaintances behind, or even minor friends. But there were certain people this year which I will miss a lot. Third World is RIGHT up there at the top of the list.

I had some advice given me at the beginning of the year, on making new acquaintances. As far as I can figure our, this was to stop me getting too close to any one or two or three people. I didn't take the advice, I didn't go out much, and now I have two really close friends. And yeah, Third World is the closest friend of my college mates.

But I don't regret not going out. I wouldn't have gotten as close to my college people if I had been all over the city all the time. And that would make this time easier, but without the awesome fact that I actually have real friends for the first time since I was 6. Despite the fact that one of those friends is going to be on the West coast and the other is going to be in Upper Canada.

Why do all the cool people have to live so fiendishly far away?

I am going to go take a hot shower, and go to bed, and see if I can cry there.

"What you should be worrying about... is your Eyebrows!"

I'll just say, the weather here is marvelous. I went through a couple of days of feeling not at all comfortable without a chill in the air, or a coat on, but now I've remembered what warm weather is like. Such a strange thing. *shakes head*

I'll be flying home on next Tuesday- West Jet. Yes, I took an extra two days in Ottawa, including a day when I am the only student left in the College, in an effort to avoid flying Air Canada. Here is the plan of my time in the intervening space.

• to do:
• Monday
• Move Computer files to Portable hard Drive
• Write thank you letter for College
• pack shipping boxes
  
• Tuesday
• Deep-clean house
• Wednesday
  
• Lord of the Rings Marathon!
  
• Thursday
• oral exam
• Friday
• Mailing boxes and Sally Ann
• Saturday
• Grad
• Sunday
• church
  
• Monday
• donate blood
  
• Tuesday
• Fly home

Looks doable, no? *nods* I can do this! Oh, and sometime in there, I need to do some birthday present acquisition for the four brothers who are having birthdays in my absence. Right. "You know I'm a poor student who has no conception of money?...."

[note: navel-gazing type musings follow. read at your own risk.]
And on a completely different tack, Third World, Moon Unit and I were discussing public school and its probable effect on us. We pretty much agreed that Moon Unit and Third World would have been the same people had they gone through Public School, but that I wouldn't be the same. Quote: "You'd either be a total follower, or completely outcast." I agree, really. I could see myself going in about 8 different directions, none of them positive. In thinking about this, I had two reactions, one positive and one, not.

On the one hand, I'm really glad that my parents kept me out of Public School for that reason. While it would have been interesting to see how I turned out, it would be interesting in about the same way that it is interesting to see what colours of mold grow on the unidentifiable things in the back of the fridge. Sick fascination.

On the other hand, the not-so-positive one, it doesn't make me very confident for the future. Oh joy, I have so little of my own personality that I can't be trusted to go out in public. My powers of self-delusion seem to be exceptional. What if I was to go to a College or University outside of the house? Would I lose myself then too? Do I even have my own personality, or am I such a social chameleon that I just take on the interests of the people I'm surrounded by? (protective coloring, right.) Will I EVER be able to stand on my own?

I don't see it being much of an issue once I return home, cause, in all honesty, I really don't see the potential for friends outside of my family. The high schoolers in my small town are all scared of me anyways, and they're all obsessed with topics I mercifully am not interested in; namely, high school marks and the high school drama of the moment. People over High school age are either gone off to university, and therefore in a higher social bracket than I, or moving in crowds where I have no experience and don't want any. The hard-drinking Fort Mac crowd? No, thank you. I don't even know most of the words, much less how to communicate. :P That leaves people over the age of 30, who are nice to me, but not really friends, and my family. Moreover, my brother PT has now moved out on his own, which cuts my social scene significantly. Seriously significantly. If you include my parents, it cuts it by a quarter.

Okay, maybe I'm being overly pessimistic. Who knows, maybe there'll be some interesting, intelligent, safe, and not-scared-of-me people near my age in town when I get back. Or maybe I'm drawing the lines too thick, and I can be friends with people who I already am acquainted with. Or maybe I'll just have friends online for the foreseeable future.

My, but I'm not looking forward to leaving Third World and Moon Unit. I do think I am myself with them, whoever that is. {Totally insane, and likes books!} Moon Unit has been going home on weekends so I'm partially used to her not being here, but Third World and I have been basically in each other's constant company since January. *cries* I hung out with RM a lot last term, but she started moving on to other friends in November, and even earlier we didn't do much together: Baking and talking, and occasional Latin. Third World and I wrote novels together, for heaven's sake. I haven't had such a close friend who I wasn't related to since I was 6. Bah, why does Oregon have to be 5.5 time zones and another country away anyways? For goodness sake, the nearest people I would be able to visit, (those who make it to St. X's in Cape Breton) would be at least 500 dollars to even get to the mainland, and then you have accommodation and food costs. Bah humbug.

Yeah, so, the weather here is nice, I'm having a low grade identity crisis, am I even a person? I'm not looking forward to splitting up from my friends, and aside from those minor stresses, and the family members who are hospitalized, I'm doing fine.

I just have to remember, I can't see the future. I can always make what's coming seem bleaker than it actually is. Even when it's worse than I foresaw, it's always easier to bear than I think it will be.

Right, I can't see the future.

Just breathe.

"At this time of year, what with marking papers and exams, I was thinking, as one so often does, on grace..."

One left. Only one exam left.

I should be happy about this, but I still feel physically ill from the Scriptures exam. My hands are numb. I have never felt so bad after an exam in my life. I've been saying, about my exams, "well, nothing has made me cry yet," but if I was ever to cry over an exam it would be about that one. I bombed so badly. I can't talk well about theology ever, and that paper was no exception.

ANYWAYS! I got through music without too much issue. There were questions I was iffy on, but I knew the majority. Even listening I got through without major panic. All thanks must go to Third World and Moon Unit though, for that, who just kept going over the music clips over and over again, and making/letting me memorize them. I still wasn't good, but I was able to put a name on half the pieces, I think, and an era on everything.

Have you ever noticed what adrenaline does to the body? It's quite interesting. I wasn't emotionally scared yesterday, but the adrenaline was definitely going. I was sitting and reading a fun book to try and relax before the exam and looked at the clock. It was ten minute to class, and totally without warning my breathing sped up, my heart rate went up, and I went analytical and noted this all. Then in the exam, I felt perfectly normal, but happened to touch my chest, and my heart was going like a trip hammer. I could feel my heartbeat when I touched my collarbone! And; (random side story) Rach scared me while I was reading earlier in the week and my eyesight sharpened. It was very odd.

Then this morning was literature, which was painful. We hadn't had a test from this professor yet, so no one know what to expect, and we weren't disappointed. I really don't know how I did though. I answered all three questions, but I really don't know what he was looking for. I don't have very much experience with exams at all, and I'm not sure I know how to write them. EDIT: I do know, however, that I got halfway through my big essay and realized that I had just disproved my thesis, so I had to frantically rewrite. Fun times :P

I also don't have much experience in attending classes I don't like, which is perhaps why I failed so badly on the scriptures exam. I can usually find something to get at least mildly interested in in any class, but this one- no. I mean, I though I didn't like math in high school. In retrospect, I loved math. I thought I didn't like writing. I adored it. I thought I didn't like my papers this term. They were enjoyable. I thought I didn't like the art exam. It was fun. Now I know what not liking an activity is, and that is the Scripture exam I just hacked my way through.

OH, and to forestall those people who will tell me, "you didn't do that bad..." I was to write three essays, which are traditionally two pages each. I wrote one which was two pages, and it achieved that by being mainly comprised of quotes. The other two essays were less than a page each, and a total "scraping the bottom of the barrel" in terms of content. No, scratch that, this is where you beat the barrel apart to try to get at the tiny fragments of content that are stuck in the crevices between the rotten slabs of fumbling that make up the barrel.

That was so REMARKABLY bad. We're talking a new section in the annals of abysmal exams. Above-the-fold, front page, in the Fumbling Times. Full alert with picture sent out to all those anywhere who attempt to stop idiocy. Full quarantine necessary to stop the incomprehension from infecting unsuspecting bystanders and dragging them down to a lingering painful death.

*sigh* I am going to go out and buy an extra large coffee, and try to study for the 8:30am oral exam I have tomorrow.

Wow.

In 16 hours I am going to be all done with exams. *smiles*

Wherein Snazel ponders the past.

Classes are over. That is such a strange thought. o.O In a week's time I'll be done with my exams. Even stranger... The time is just zipping by.

Here is the last week in miniature. :)

On Monday we had Latin (fun), and Philosophy (PoMo). It seems strange to think of going back to life without those classes in it. Philosophy is going to leave a big hole, actually. I didn't understand it much, but it was great when I did! :P

On Tuesday we had our last art class, which was interesting. We touched on the surrealists and cubists. Then we handed in our papers to Dr. Patrick, and had a lovely community meal: lasagna, garlic bread, salad, and cake with berries and whipped cream. I will certainly miss Tuesdays. *sniffs*

On Wednesday, we had our last music class and last Latin class. I botched the Latin quiz. *weeps* I think I'll miss Latin. Not the quizzes so much, but the translation is rather fun, in a painful way, and Professor Blaedow is amazing. Music class was enjoyable, but I doubt that I'll miss it. *sheepish*

On Thursday we had Literature. We did our presentation on items we found on the street, which was jolly. I was so petrified when I read my presentation! I'm pretty sure I was reading in a monotone, in addition to the actual shaking. However, it went reasonably well, and professor Tucker said that I reminded him of the lead character in Becoming Jane. I have never seen that movie, so I'm unsure exactly what he meant *nervous* but I'm pretty sure it's good. I think. :P The other presentations were excellent! It was lots of fun to listen to- an excellent ending class. Despite feeling like a blockhead every time I leave Literature, I'll miss it. Then we had Scriptures class, which was a review class. To be perfectly frank, I was not at all mournful to see the end of that class.

Oh! And then we went to the mall afterward, Third World and I, and I bought a portable hard drive! So now I can back up my files and pics. *sigh of relief*

On Friday was the last Science class, which was funnish. That was an enjoyable class, but again, I shan't miss it. In trivium, we then discussed... pacifism. Who wants to go out on a tame note anyways? I think I kept my temper admirably well, though my blood pressure went up a little bit when someone made the comment, "You can't be a good soldier and a good Christian." *wide mirthless smile* It basically ended with us running out of time and agreeing only on the fact that Jesus in his incarnation was pacifist in that he did not try to defend himself by violence. *sigh*

Then last night we went to the other girl's house for Texas's birthday, and "end of classes party". That was a ball!

Now, I really need to go study, so, farewell. :P

Christian pop music is like Byzantine iconography. Once they found a formula, they stuck with it!

Yes, so, exams are next week. I am already petrified scared about them. I really don't want to fail, and I have a dreadful suspicion that I haven't been paying near enough attention in classes, so I won't be able to answer any of the questions. *cries*

As a result, I am determinedly not thinking about them, I'm just focusing on the pressing things that need to be done, such as Latin translations for Wednesday, and Dr. Patrick's Term paper for tomorrow, and the Literature Presentation for Thursday, and the Literature Paper for Thursday, and the Scriptures presentation for Thursday. Actually, those are all prepared except the Lit paper and the Latin Translations. I have about half of those both done.

Anyhow, my little brother Gid has an eval on Monday, the day of my Latin and Philosophy exams. The last eval was bad. I'm worried about the results of this one. Even putting aside the fear of if this next eval goes poorly, I"m afraid of how I will be able to deal with if it is bad. I still have 5 more exams after Monday goes by; I can't lose it and spend all my time in prayer.

Now THAT's taking worrying to a new level. Okay, I think I need to take some sleep, and do some more praying. :P

*wanders off*

P.S. Today was our last Philosophy class, and it was 3.5 hours long, on Post-modernism. It was really interesting, but I wish I could have paid attention more. I'm rather fragmented in class. o.O

P.P.S. Everything lately is geared towards arming us to deal with post-modernism. It's mildly amusing since I don't plan to go into a university, and people usually don't talk to me. However, when I get the urge to scoff I must remind myself that I don't know the future, and maybe I will end up having to argue in the defense of objective truth.

I really am going to bed now.

There really is no fathoming the depths of my hatred for this paper.

I hadn't fully realized how deeply I dislike my scriptures paper, but let me tell you, we are not friends. On Saturday, I worked all day on the paper, and do you know what I did? I spend the ENTIRE day, 8 hours, to be precise, typing out quotes. I ended up with 8 pages, single spaced, 11 pt- 4,456 words. The entire paper has a word limit of 2,500 words. *beats head against wall*

Do you know why I spent so ridiculously much time on quotes? (I have just realized the answer to this important query.) As long as I was working on quotes, I didn't have to actually write. I realized this when I sat down at the computer, looked at my empty page, and felt physically ill. It's true! I have reached the stage where school work makes me fell sick to my stomach.

I think this is partly fueled by the looming feeling that I am going to FAIL!!!!! Jolly, no? Due to the long-draw-out paper due dates, I get to enter exam stress 6 weeks early. *laughs hysterically* I only felt this way the actual week of exams last term, and the day of standardized exams in the past. This time, I charmingly get to experience the full joy of soul-sucking stress for another five weeks, in addition to the expanse of it I have already moved through mainly intact.

Five weeks? *blinks* That's all it is till I go home? Insane. Truly insane. I'm really looking forward to seeing all my family again, but I'm also really going to miss the people here. *cries* Funnily, I'm having moving dreams again. I haven't had those since I was about 13. They're dreams in which for some reason, usually Daddy's work, the family gets to move to a new place, which just so happens to be near my friends. I've been moving west a lot at night. *grins* Vancouver, Victoria, Ottawa, an unexplained Canadian Military Base in Oregon.

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I'm the only one from the east coast at the college; everyone else is EST and further west.

*sigh* And my little brother Gid, who is newly four, is undergoing an eval and chemo today. Pray without ceasing...

Go with God.

You're a very smart girl, you're just surrounded by people who are much smarter than you!

Bah.

I always, (I have just realized this,) come out of Literature class feeling stupid, guilty about my selfishness, and generally worthless. A sneaking suspicion exists at the back of my head that this is not the point of the class, but I don't really know. I tend to be really non-articulate, and give exactly the oppisate impression from what I'm trying to say. Sigh.

Also, to complete my mood of wonder and light, I've found out that my philosophy paper had font size specified. *beats head against wall* I just got it up to 10 pages, and now that I had to take it from 12pt. to 11pt. it's only a hair over 7. *gloom*

I'm not even broaching the subject of the Art paper. (or the Scriptures paper (or the literature paper (or the paper for Dr. Patrick.)))

There was a funny moment in Literature class though. Professor Tucker was asking us if we did anything other than study, and we were answering in the negative. Then:

Prof. Tucker: Nothing?
Sue: We [her house] made hot chocolate that requires brandy, rum and vodka. Does that count?

Ah, Augustine...

All I want to do, is be more like me, and be less like you.

The sun is shining off the snow into my window, and I'm in a good mood. I tell you, calling home is a great invention.*laughs* In my last few calls home, I've found out an interesting piece of information regarding one of my siblings each time.

1. First I found that PT is probably going to Dubai
2. Then I found that Frauline is possible going to England for a Girl Guide trip.
3. Now I find that my little brother Trapezoid (age 12) has joined Cadets, and just went to a dance.
4. next time? (something about Slonner?)
   

(for those who don't know, that's descending order of age. I'm the oldest, followed by PT, Frauline, etc. )
I'm all grin-ny.

I've really been feeling stunningly incompetent recently; noticing my complete inability to manage money, manage my time, and behave in social situations... Don't you love it when you realize that you either annoy, frighten, disgust or amuse the people around you? I know I do.

But I'm better now. ALSO, I didn't do anything other than skip a few meals in three weeks, so I feel proud of myself. HA! Take THAT! *waves hands wildly*

Now Reading Week has begun. I have a vague idea of what I'm doing for my papers, and I'm making waffles tomorrow. It's good.

Oh, I love this quote. It's from the intro to Rich Mullin's Higher Education and the Book of Love. No, I love parts of this quote, which I have included here. Some other bits, not so much...

What does it mean to be human?
What does it mean to be human?
I cannot help but suspect
that at one time in the history of thinking
that people believed that it meant
that we were spiritual
that we could make choices
and were capable of aspiring to higher ideals
like maybe loyalty
or maybe faith
or maybe even love

But now we are told by people who think they know
that we vary from amoeba
only in the complexity of our makeup
and not what we essentially are

[...]

They would have us see ourselves as products
so that we could believe we were something to be made
something to be used
and then something to be disposed of
used in their wars
used for their games
and then set aside for we get in their way
well
who are they?

[...]

What does it mean to be human?
I cannot help but believe
that it means that we are spiritual
that we are responsible
and that we are free
that we are responsible
to be free

Anyways, better go do some of my work. *grand bow*

"I'm still proud of what I am. I am- A LIBRARIAN."

The snow is piling up outside, similar to the work piling up inside.

Unfortunately, the assignments this term are almost all about subjects that I know nothing about, and am not interested in. However, the literature assignment still looks pretty interesting, and Dr. Patrick's should be useful, if nothing else.

Any other news...?

Lamd has gone on a cruise. The class is not at all jealous, of course. *grin*

*wider grin* Ha, this is amusing. Alright, he borrowed my library card on Thursday, so he could get some books out of the Ottawa U library. I went through the paper work at the beginning of the year to get the card, but I've never actually used it. Anyways, he picked out two books about Messiaen. Then on getting to the desk, he found that there is some extra paperwork you have to go through the first time you check out. The following conversation resulted;

Lamd: Can I leave them at the desk? (thinking that he would get me to pick them up)
Deskman: Okay. What name is that again?
Lamd: *hesitantly* Stairs?
Deskman: First name?
Lamd: Um, J - She's my sister.
Deskman: Oh?
Lamd: Don't bother to hold the books. *walks out*

Hmm, I don't know how people make it thorough life without the arts. If I didn't have music to listen to, it would be UGLY. And I'm much better when I can write.

Got to go read about language acquisition

"Sugar is not good for you." "But it tastes so good!"

Well, I had something planned to say, but then I ate a lot of sugary things, and now my brain is gone.

As further proof of my insanity, I've agreed to participate in a thing called "Right here, Write now," (Or maybe it is "Write here, Right now." Hmmm) You write a thousand words a day for the month of February. Should be fun! Particularly cause Third World and Moon Unit are doing it with me. I thought to myself: Hey self! You have way too much free time, and you're way too social. You should do something to remedy that! So I came up with this plan. Pretty special, I though.

Moon Unit is presently phone counselling a friend, RM is off at a friend's house, and Third World has accompanied Em to Chapters. Pshaw! those people with money! Money is for noobes! (quote)

I really need to not eat that much sugar at a sitting. *cries* *falls asleep*

I have come to the conclusion that my life is pretty much devoid of ~drama~, which is much simpler, but cuts down on conversation topics.