Whew. Okay, my dad pointed out- without knowing quite to the extent that I was freaking out- that investing in anything is ridiculously expensive, and I'm worth the investment. Not quite sure still that I believe him on the second part, but at least I'm not wanting to stab myself with markers quite so much right now.

"I have no special skills. I am only passionately curious."

I've been looking at going back to university. And y'know, it looks interesting and all, but I've written if off for years simply because it's so expensive. That and I already had education debts. But I'm a.) finally paying off my debts as of two weeks from now, and b.) feeling trapped in a small town. So I'm looking again at getting OUT of here, and since I am passionately curious about many things, university seems a logical avenue to look into.

But I have to MOVE away, which means rent and food costs. Which means, with tuition and maybe buying two books or going to the theatre once a year, I'm looking at about 20 thousand dollars in living and school expenses for most schools.

A year.

I didn't make that much last year, all year! And I was working in a bank!

And since I and my family am not high income by the standards of anyone who lives in the Western World, I have to do it all on loans.

Which means in four years, I'm taking on about 80 thousand dollars in loans.

I HATE debts. They sap the joy from my soul, and the work I need to take to pay them off does the same. And it'll take YEARS to pay them off. Which I'm taking on to be frivolous and play around in books, with the ridiculous idea that I'm going to get a scholarship or teaching position out of it at the end. If I even LIKE teaching.

Cue despair?

I'e been thinking vaguely about this for a while.

So have a vague blog post!

It seems to me that there are two tendencies of human beings towards situations that are more physical than mental. The tendency towards violence, (wrath), and the tendency towards sex, (lust.) I'm phrasing this badly, but you do you know what I mean? Obviously they're not generally a reaction to the SAME situation, but they happen when you're thinking with your fists- or other body parts- rather than your reason.

My question is this. When did Wrath become a culturally acceptable reaction to nothing at all, while Lust is apparently verging on a virtue? Is it because Wrath usually ends up in pain for the person who's wrath-ful, and Lust is (in the short term) seen as pleasurable? (With the definition of happiness now being accepted as pleasure and the absence of pain.) Or could it be because Wrath is usually something that's inflicted on another person without their consent, whereas socially acceptable Lust is consensual, and seeking and getting consent is a cardinal virtue nowadays?

Anyhow, this has been rolling around in my head long enough. Admittedly I started thinking about it because I get angry very easily, much faster than I find myself attracted to anyone. So I don't even have social approval of my deadly sins. SIGH, life is so unjust.

Jk, jk, you know I jk. ^_^

Hopefully if I write this idea down, I can move on to other weird things. Like why country music can make me cry. I mean- why IS that?

P.S. I'm looking at universities to attend. Those places are EXPENSIVE!

Legal-speak. The dialect that can make a sentence turn around and swallow its own tail.

15. Disclaimer and Limitation of Liability.

YOU ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT IN NO EVENT WILL THE COMPANY, ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AGENTS AND REPRESENTATIVES BE LIABLE FOR ANY INCIDENTAL, INDIRECT, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, AGGRAVATED, PUNITIVE OR CONSEQUENTIAL LOSSES, CLAIMS, DAMAGES, LIABILITIES, OBLIGATIONS, AND EXPENSES (COLLECTIVELY, THE "CLAIMS") ARISING OUT OF THE SERVICES PROVIDED TO YOU UNDER THIS PARTICIPATION ACCOUNT AGREEMENT AND ANY PLAN(S) EXCEPT TO THE EXTENT THAT SUCH CLAIMS HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY THE GROSS NEGLIGENCE, WILLFUL ACT OR WILLFUL DEFAULT OF THE COMPANY OR ANY OF ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AGENTS OR REPRESENTATIVES, EVEN IF THE COMPANY OR ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AGENTS OR REPRESENTATIVES HAVE BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH CLAIMS, WHETHER IN AN ACTION IN CONTRACT, TORT OR NEGLIGENCE, OR BASED ON A WARRANTY ARISING OUT OF THE EXISTENCE, FURNISHING OR FUNCTIONING OF THE ADMINISTRATION PLATFORM.

And yes, that is one sentence.

"You're actually dripping oil on the floor right now."

So APPARENTLY, not everyone likes the smell of orange oil all over their Customer Service Representative. This was pointed out to me at work. While I was in the process of ripping apart an orange with my bare hands. As one does.

So I was instructed to peel my orange the "normal" way, with a napkin and a spoon, so I did not actually touch the objectionable orange oils.

Dude, I nearly gouged my eye out. Twice. Peeling an orange with a spoon is NOT EASY. I just thought you should know that. ^_^

Honey, I said, my life is a ghost story. Then tell it to me, she said.

I'm reading The Book Of Negroes, by Lawrence Hill, for book club. It's a book about slavery, from the viewpoint of a slave. Which, as you may have have guessed, does not make it a happy book. The MC was just raped, and that hasn't been the most terrible thing to happen so far. Oh, and I'm about one third into the book.

Which leads me to wonder- why do people read books like this? I mean, I'm reading it for a book club, but it was recommended by someone who'd read it for pleasure. Why do you choose for your enjoyment to read a book about the horrors that men can inflict on each other? I just don't get it!

I mean granted, before I read this I was starting to get annoyed at the people who are constantly apologizing for the sins of their fathers. And while I still think it is not really a good idea to constantly be blaming, apologizing and taking the credit for old sins, I can now see why people feel a visceral need to apologize. This is a large sin. It- shouldn't be glossed over.

BUT MOVING ON- I mean I got that within the first hundred pages. WHY would you keep reading about horrors? Is your life that boring, that you must replace the mundanity with old crimes made new?

SIGH. Okay. I'll go read more. And then I'll have to read one of my nice "fluffy" book before bed, so I don't spend the night on an imaginary slave ship.

"It's kinda a big deal."

And with seven hours (max) of sleep, we headed for Sin Jawns! The youngsters were all going to Camp Delight for eight days, and us adults were going along to drive, and- well, um, *waves hands vaguely* see people. You know, as adults do.

All the camp people crammed into the van of excitement and hysteria, and Daddy, Slonner and I were exiled to the car. *Looks at Van crammed full of excited children* *looks at VW full of space and a working radio* *compares*

Clearly, we had the short end of the stick. It was tragic, I tell you.

Daddy and I spent the 4.5 hour drive in listening to the radio, and talking art and marketing. As one does. Then we dropped off the children at Camp, where they took the absolute minimum amount of time getting settled in. THROW the luggage from the van. LUG AT HIGH SPEED to the cabins. HUG parents. Bye now! Trapezoid especially was very efficient. I was still helping small girls carry suitcases bigger than themselves when he had finished carrying three suitcases and a bag taller than him to his cabin. Then he vanished to do arcane boy things with his cabin. I didn't ask questions.

Now, as previously mentioned in the last post, I'd bought some earrings the day before. That meant that when we actually got to town, I didn't have my usual monies to spend on books or theatres. My normal Modus Operandi would have to be ADJUSTED. Therefore, while my industrious father went to take the ferry over to an old iron mine to take pictures of an indie turkish rock band, bringing my lovely mother and energetic small brother, I stayed in the hotel and chased a sunspot along the couch.

After this long and involved exercise, and after- incidentally- my family in town were barred from their ferry and had to wait for the next one, we had chinese food and entertained a newly married couple who were slightly younger than I. The entertainment mainly consisted of talk of schools and the music industry, and coffee and timbits. Which obviously is the best of all possible conversations. :D

After we'd exsausted the coffee, I was brought out in state to help grocery pick, and be driven about town at night, and see the new apartment. The new apartment was, of course, lovely. We watched the Taking Of Pelham 123, which was significantly less lovely. Profanity can be used effectively in a story, but I really don't think professional people use one word as the noun, verb, adjective and other modifiers in one sentence. And it's all the same word? I mean, if I've met people who REALLY swear, they at least have two or three words they alternate between. This was just awkward and tiring. The only person who really pulled it off was John Travolta, who was quite believably insane. ^_^ But yeah, the story was so muddled it might have been good- but I really have no idea, I cared about a random sniper more than the MC, and the triumphant ending was- really not. SIGH. If you're going to present a conflict, people, have the goodness to resolve it! If you're dealing with layers of lies, either wink and nod when you leave, or TELL THE TRUTH, don't just wander aimlessly into the sunset. *glares at storywriters* John Travolta was the best part.

In the morning I woke up. Which I put as a point of interest, seeing as I was up until 2:30+ the night before, and then up at 8, and I don't function well on less than nine hours. YOU DO THE MATH. So then we, hmmm. *thinks* We went to costco, and McDonalds, where someone named James- I love you James, learn to be observant- neglected to get my salad dressings or tell me that he had to tell someone else about out for 15 minutes. Which when you're standing by the counter of a fast food restaurant, is a LONG TIME. And then we went to Long and McQuade, where I stayed in the car and read, and then went home.  The trip back was spent looking at the views, talking Churchill, computers, income and jobs. As one also does.